Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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