Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
