Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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