my room smells like sperm. sweet.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
well you can't waste a boner
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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