So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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