Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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