Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
