I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
