Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
