he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
