Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
This is the high leading the old right now
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
i believe in u and ur pee
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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