I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
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guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
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I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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