The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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