i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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