what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
