OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
