She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
