i barfeds in our rink
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
