mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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