Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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