He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
