you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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