I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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