How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
