Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
