So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
