So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
