I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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