I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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