I need help removing her.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
