you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
