just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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