I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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