don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
