Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
