Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Randomize
