I think my fart just growled at me.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
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and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
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Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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