Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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