he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
