Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
