i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
