I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The adults are the big ones right?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
