Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
