haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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