I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
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We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
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There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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