btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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