I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
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I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
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I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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