I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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