For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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