Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
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After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
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QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.