I love black thongs
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us