cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me