I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.