Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
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It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
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if i bang your brother are we still cool?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.