nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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