Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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