I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
