You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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