if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
