Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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