This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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