Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
