...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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