My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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